Day Three: 27th July 2017
They took away the pain pump.
What the actual fuck.
Ive been introduced to Oxycodon. We are back… I remember this day probably more than the others only because it was discovered that during the first day of surgery a vein of mine had blown so the line they were using to put in pain relief was working but couldn’t be used anymore and it was the pain team’s decision to see how I could manage without it. Funnily enough, I was braver than even I expected I pushed myself probably the most I have ever and walked and walked and walked up and down my room into the bathroom and out, they said the more you walk the more you pee. I yelled at my dad, he held my hand and we were up and down the ward, I think I did it about 50 times. Every single time I stood up and pushed my legs forward I desperately held back vomit. If you ever have experience such pain that engulfs your being leaving you with a feeling of numbness, darkness and the body’s elicited a response of nausea and vomit – then you know what I am talking about. I leaned on the wall I leaned on the bed and screamed when it hurt just a little too much but then driven by nothing other than these words “this time it has to work”
I swallowed whatever paracetamol level pain relief they allowed for me and I was walking again
the more you walk the less it will hurt
the more you walk the less it will hurt
I remember I never cried not once through this whole process. I told myself this is going to work, this kidney will work, nothing will go wrong. This is it. This is what I have been waiting for, if they say walk, I will.. if they say jump, I will. I will do anything I had to do, and if you know me you will know letting go of fentanyl and letting go of the pain pump was harder than you would believe.
I cant sleep. I am exhausted but I can’t sleep. Why wont anyone call me. What does everyone out there think I am doing. I am here, you just cant come see me but I’m ready for you all, I’m ready to show you how healthy I am, its finally happened. I am okay and I’m coming to show you what I can do, who I can be and how I am not a waste of space.
Day Four: 28th July 2017
I have not slept properly in what feels like forever. The only way to sleep is to exhaust myself into a slumber or even worse prescribe myself into a sleep through the gift of medication. I am getting tired of this at this point, there is nothing for me to do I am lonely because I need to be isolated but I am happy and moody all at the same time. I walk into the bathroom of my isolation room and spend a decent hour staring at myself everything looks different there is a huge scar I can barely lift my shirt up without wanting to cry although there is no pain there is a sense of accomplishment laced at this moment, there is nothing existing in the world except me and this fragment of a being trapped inside of me. Where did you come from? Who do you truly belong to? I cant see this kidney, but I know it is huge the scar spanning 20cm+, I stare into the mirror and suddenly everything feels surreal as if I am floating watching myself and wondering how I got here and is this even real. My face looks blurry, my eyes cant comprehend what it is staring at because I’ve never known such pain to be so incredible and yet all at the same time to feel so good.
Imagine what it must be like to know and see that something is inside of you but at the same time feel so disconnected from it, as if you and it do not belong together but have been brought so by some miracle. As much as you want to feel that it is a part of you, you know it is not and as you trace the outline of its bulge with the tips of your fingers, cradling it around your palm it’s inside you but it is not yours. It’s a bittersweet concept but a very important one.
If you feel just for a second that this is yours all will be lost because knowing that this kidney is not yours to have but to borrow reminds you that you are responsible to take care of it more than it is there to take care of you. I do not own this kidney, someone lent it to me and I have to do everything in my power to ensure we live together as best as we can, I cant for a second believe it will solve all my problems.
Kidney transplants are not the cure, they are only another form of a treatment. I am ready though, to show you I can do this whatever it takes.